Parenting with ADHD
A mother embracing her children . Image Credit - Dreamlab on Canva.
As with most late-discovered individuals, I had already begun my parenting journey before realising why certain things were so tough.
I was already 12 years in before my ADHD Diagnosis; in fact, it was while sorting out my son’s diagnosis that I realised that we share the same traits. “Is this really ADHD?” is what I kept asking myself.
I struggled with timekeeping, consistent routines, forgetting appointments, emotional dysregulation, & Sensory overload. Struggling with these things led to feeling shame and wondering why I could be together in some areas of my life but utterly chaotic in others.
The thing is, I was doing it all wrong. I was trying to parent like I was a Neurotypical person. There was no way I could meet those highly impossible standards that I had set.
Parenting has many demands, and that much is obvious. But what wasn’t apparent was how much conflict this placed on my interest-based brain.
You don’t get a say in how your life plays out because, quite frankly, those kids need to eat!
Here are a few things that help me:
Have a rough schedule of what your week will look like - I say rough because whilst you need to have an idea for knowing what your capacity is & to help with the anxiety you may feel from the unknown, leave a little wiggle room for some novelty.
Meal Plan: Following on from the above, knowing the answer to this perpetually asked question, “What’s for dinner?” will do wonders for your household!
Utilise your Notes app: I make notes on everything and use my kids’ names as tags, so I have it right there if I need information.
Let Tech help you: I have automated most things in my life, so I don’t have to carry it all in my brain. For example, I swapped my kids to Monzo Kids to automatically pay them their pocket money every Saturday. The whole house adds items to our shopping list via our Alexas, so when the adults need to get the groceries delivered, we already know what we need. I use Apple automation to send texts to my children to remind them about what they need to do: “Don’t forget to lock the door”, for example. Alexa reminds the kids to brush their teeth every morning at 7.20 am. Whenever I leave my house and connect to my Bluetooth in the car, my phone reminds me to book a grocery slot on the Friday before we need it. You’ll be shocked how much the little things add up to being a huge help.
Community: We were never meant to parent in isolation. Lean on your friends, Family and local parenting groups for support.
I’ve spoken about the challenges of parenting with ADHD, but there are great things that come with parenting with ADHD.
You’re a quick learner. It is a handy skill because kids constantly change developmentally and personality-wise. It’s an advantage to be fast at getting with the programme.
You know how to have fun, and kids like that! Gaming with my children is so fun (as is gaming without them), and I like that they have controller envy! On a serious note, having similar hobbies is a great way to connect with your children.
You get it! - While parenting an ADHD child, when you have ADHD yourself, can be tricky (can we say triggers), it is also a blessing as you can empathise with your child because you most likely felt the same growing up. It can be a good thing for a few reasons:
It enables you to see from their point of view and thus find a solution to the issue. For example, One of my sons came home and announced that he had lost one of his shoes. I was initially cross because those cost me £80 just a week ago. Still, I also remembered that no matter how hard I tried, I used to lose things too (in fact, I still do), so instead of telling off a child who already was upset and remorseful, I posted in various groups & emailed the school who helped us find it in the end.
It shows you areas you need to grow: I can’t remember who told me that the things your children do that aren’t moral failings yet trigger you are usually things you got told off for when you were growing up. It’s so true. For me, it was anger. I wasn’t allowed to express my anger growing up, and there is always that millisecond when I want to tell my kids the same thing. I remember that it’s okay to express big feelings. What’s not okay is rudeness or destruction of property.
Parenting on its own is a rollercoaster, and adding in ADHD means it’s an even bigger one, but with some preparation, community and love, the sky is the limit!
Writer Bio:
Lucy Benton is a freelance writer from the U.K. She has a Creative Writing degree from The University of Chichester. She has been published in 2 Mothers’ Milk Anthologies as well as various articles across the web. She lives on the Isle of Wight with her husband, children, and cat, Charlie. She enjoys film, yoga, the theatre, and landscape photography when not writing, which pairs well with her love of walking and being in nature. You can follow her adventures on Instagram @oreosandgin