Cycles, Crises, and Epiphanies in Work and Relationships- how this led to my ADHD diagnosis
What’s wrong with me?
What’s wrong with me?
What’s wrong with me?
Prior to my formal ADHD diagnosis in February 2022, this was the constant soundtrack playing in the background of my mind for most of my life. I’d hear this tune playing after I’d lose another job, or have to quit because ‘the pressure was getting worser’. The volume of this soundtrack got louder, and more menacing when another romantic relationship ‘failed’. It was even more deafening when I’d have a fallout with a friend that caused us to have to part ways.
I’d heard and experienced it all! Romantic interests that would say I was lovely, but a bit ‘too much’. A boyfriend that said I was ‘too emotional’. Friends that no longer wanted to meet up due to my difficulty with getting places on time. Certain friends were so used to me masking, they didn’t take too kindly to my periods of absence during severe burnout recovery, suggesting that I was being disingenuous.
At the helm of this perceived ‘failure’ was Renee, just being Renee the only way she knew how.
However, the overwhelming disappointment of things constantly falling apart seemed to provide strong evidence that there was clearly something wrong with me. I was convinced I was flawed to a fault. The ever-present critique of my perceived shortcomings in all the major aspects of my life perpetually crushed my confidence.
I expended A LOT of energy, and made extreme efforts to cover this shame by overworking, overextending, and overdoing everything to prove to myself and others that I wasn’t a disappointment or failure. This predisposition to go above and beyond, was the perfect storm for the struggles I encountered in the workplace.
Work became my Achilles heel, and the arena that these ‘silent struggles’ were often the loudest. From a young age, I’ve been very ambitious and hardworking, so naturally I had aspirations to excel in my career. Although I’ve done many notable things, I look at my work experience through jaded corporate trauma lenses.
I spent so many years compromising my mental and physical health for the sake of keeping a ‘good job’.
Internally, I was drowning daily in highly demanding, cut throat, and fast paced work environments. Externally, I was masking aggressively, and presenting as if I could walk on water.
Everything would be great, until it wasn’t.
In spite of my greatest efforts, I was always ‘falling short’. I had disgruntled managers who refused to provide support and accommodations when I was struggling. Pre-pandemic, after returning from sick leave due to burnout, my short-term WFH request for a few days a week was denied. It’s important to note that this was a global tech company, and the team I managed was in Argentina. So, in the famous words of Cardi B ‘WHAT WAS THE REASON?!’. I was let go in the shadiest and most savage way not too long after this, which was devastating.
In another job I was let go from, my Manager complained about how often I left my seat- * laughs LOUDLY in corporate capitalist rebellion *- am I cattle that you want to chain me to my desk?! LMAO. These are just a few examples, but I’ve really been through it in these corporate streets.
Whenever I did the work to bounce back, and build myself up again from an episode of ‘failure’, unfortunately like clockwork, I’d get knocked off my square, and life would inevitably come crashing back down again. I didn’t have the tools, or the knowledge of what the root problem was to be able to effectively problem solve.
So, year after year, I found myself in this crisis cycle. The self loathing due to my inability to ‘fix myself’ and end these struggles was nothing short of exhausting.
I recently found this journal entry from 2021, where I was venting some of my frustrations with the struggles noted above. It reads:
I’m sick and tired of hating myself
I’m tired of pretending I’m ok, like the things that are hurting can be remedied by doing more
I’m sick of judging myself and ALWAYS making myself wrong
I’m tired of the fight to prove my worth
2021 was my Epiphany year and the beginning of my ADHD journey. Whilst at one of my crazy jobs, a colleague and I would constantly lament about how much we hated working there. One day we were discussing some of the reasons why the environment was so detrimental to the way we’re wired, then she mentioned that she thought she had ADHD. She started describing the symptoms, which really resonated with me, and put a little bug in my ear.
After that conversation, I did extensive research, watched countless videos and personal accounts, and cried like a baby whilst I listened to people tell stories of their journey to discovering they had ADHD.
It felt like they were narrating my entire life.
For the first time ever, I felt like I’d found the answer to the ‘what’s wrong with me?’ question.
Shortly after this, somewhere in my research deep dive looking for black anecdotes of the ADHD experience, I found ADHD Babes. I attended my first support group on 7th October 2021, and I left that zoom call feeling like I’d found a secret society. I was shocked, but equally comforted by how similar our shared experiences were. I’d never felt more seen and validated in my life. Everyone was so welcoming, friendly and vulnerable, it genuinely felt like a safe space- something I’d been longing for, for so long.
I continued to attend, learn, share and connect with other Babes. Through a recommendation during a support group session, I found an affordable private clinic to get my formal diagnosis last year. This enabled me to start medication which helps take the edge off of the chaos a little.
I’ve made great friends within the community who have given me permission to be my full self unapologetically. I joined the podcast team, and in our first recording I connected with my amazing ADHD Coach, Jay whose support has been life changing.
Two years later, I sit here typing with tears of joy at how far I’ve come in my journey of self awareness and acceptance. I still have hard days and moments as it’s an ongoing process of learning, and unlearning years of critical scripts and neurotypical conformist programming.
One of the Babes encouraged me this week with the reminder that
“it’s like learning how to walk again, except we were walking backwards before”.
I’ll do my best to bear this in mind whilst I continue to learn how to walk forward and grateful to know I’m no longer walking alone. The ADHD Babes community has been the bridge of hope, visibility, and support I never knew I needed, but so glad I found!
Renee is a London based Creative who fondly describes herself as ‘The Nonconformist Butterfly’. She is A Free Spirit, A Wild Soul, A Fond Lover of The Arts in all its forms, and a Mental Health and Authenticity Advocate.